On November 7 2009 I decided that I wanted to die. I was alienated from my wife (still am) because of a suicidal rage I was in a week prior because of excessive drinking. I drank all week and for some reason I decided that November 7 would be my last day on earth. I bought a 30 pack of beer and a fifth of bourbon. I nearly drank it all. I called my wife in a stupor, had an argument that I can't remember and smashed my cellphone into little pieces. I drove (thank God no one was killed) to the local convenience store to find a pay phone to continue the argument.
They Just Wouldn't Shoot Me
Inside the convenience store I had a moment of "clarity." I decided if I got the police to show up that I could have a "showdown" and they would shoot me dead. I fell on the floor and told the clerk to shoot me if she had a gun. Of course, she called the police.
When they arrived, I asked them to shoot me dead. When they didn't comply, I fought with them, hoping they would use lethal force. Even in cuffs I smashed my head against the glass in the back of the car until I was incoherent.
They just wouldn't shoot me. I spent three days in a mental facility just to sober up enough to be released to my new therapist.
Not a Drink Since
I have not had a drink since that day. I drank for 20 years before that. I am an alcoholic and can never drink again. I went through the stages of alcoholism, and I am fighting to reverse the effects. My brain has never functioned better than it does right now. I feel the pain of the damage I have done to my wife and children and am working very hard to try rebuild myself and my relationships. I have feelings like I've never had, good and bad. I have desires for a better future, which I've never had.
Just Stop Drinking
I have a plan, thanks to a lot of support, to make sure that my life is better than it was. I'm not where I want to be, but I know that I will get there.
If you're struggling with alcohol, just stop drinking. Don't over analyze the "who, what, why, where, etc", just stop. You can't see anything else until you stop. It takes a lot of humility to admit you have a real problem, but you can stop drinking.
Find Some Support
Find support. This forum saved my life even after I stopped drinking. The people on this forum are real, and, whether or not they know it, their advice and comments, at the very least, made me want to live another day to hear what they had to say.
I am in no way over my addiction; I must fight every day. The fight gets easier and easier. I can't say enough about the people on this forum; without them I don't think I would be sitting here.